Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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