The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
