Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
