I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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