I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
