i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
