his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
