I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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