I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
either way he was missing a nipple.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
