i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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