The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
