the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
