He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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