some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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