I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
