I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
