The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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