peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
