I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
