Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
