The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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