I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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