I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least đ
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should have known it wouldnât work. Someone saved in her phone as âSubway Sexâ called the week before the wedding
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