My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
