guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
