Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
