I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
