dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
