Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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