Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's always time for handjobs
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
