apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
