I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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