The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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