I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
