Umm I'm too high to move.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
