I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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