he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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