So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
