i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
