tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
