She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
