I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
