long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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