just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
