My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
