I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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