yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
