Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
