Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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