im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
