Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize