she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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