hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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