how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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