I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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