He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
