So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Your shirt... Was in my pants
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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