True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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